"what made you turn from goody two shoes mission trip gabby to living with my boyfriend and his daughter discussing my hot crazy sex online gab? hmmmm???" (By the way, Perry, accept my friend invite so that i can leave comments for you.) That was one of the questions i got for my "Ask me anything" blog. If my fifteen-year-old self could see my present self, that's exactly the question i'd be asking. Well, if my fifteen-year-old self asked me that, i wouldn't answer. I would just give her a hug and tell her she has enough on her plate right now and not to worry about the future, and i'd tell her to stop believing that her feelings are unimportant. But it's not my fifteen-year-old self asking, it's someone else's fifteen-year-old self. I probably started changing my thinking when i got a job working on Sundays, and i stopped going to church. I worked with a whole group of new people who knew nothing about me, and i had the chance to be whoever i wanted to be--no one expected anything or made any assumptions about who i was supposed to be. It was the first time i could swear in front of other people without being looked down on. (It got better when i started working at Movie Gallery with a pagan who talked about everything and never treated me like i was weird for anything i said or believed.) At the same time i was seeing a therapist, and i was starting to wrap my mind around the idea that maybe i could think for myself and have my own ideas and beliefs. I finally admitted to myself that i was bisexual, and i realized that it really wasn't scary after all. God didn't frown on me, i didn't become a slut or start dressing like a boy. In fact, nothing about me changed except that i was more comfortable with myself. That was probably the biggest turning point: the Bible says it's a sin, but it's who i am, and i'm sick of pretending to be something else. Then i got my own apartment, and i was able to be who i wanted more than ever. I finally stopped being afraid that i was going to hell, i realized that i actually am a pretty good person, and that i have a higher moral standard than some Christians, that i "do unto others" better than most Christians. For the record, i don't talk about my hot crazy sex on-line very often. These days i mostly have comfortable, affectionate sex anyway. Hot and crazy sort of wore off after a year together. I still think there's a god, i still think abortion as birth control is wrong, i still think the golden rule is the most important rule to live by. I still think the Bible has some good things to say, but i don't think it's unerring. I don't think i'm doing anything wrong by living with my boyfriend. I haven't written off Christianity completely--i still think it's possible they could be right; i just think it's unlikely. | 
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